On the Glass
by LouCamp
Summary: It's his last ride on the Hogwarts express. So much has happened and Harry would rather be anywhere than alone in a compartment on the train with Ginny............I'm a fanfiction virgin people, please be gentle........


_Not Mine._

On the Glass

It started raining the day after Dumbledore's funeral. The ride back to London on the Hogwarts Express was the worst Harry could remember. The shock and anger he felt from that night the Death Eaters attacked had since dulled to an empty numbness. He had boarded the train with the rest of the students who had remained at Hogwarts at the end of term. All of them quiet and thoughtful, not at all like previous years when the train was full of noise and laughter. There weren't many students on the train, some had left directly after the attack that night, but most had left with their parents after the funeral. Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny had all stayed. Hermione had said she and Ron felt it was important to fulfill their duties as Prefects, and be present for the students that may need them during the ride home, but Harry knew that this would probably be their last ride on the Hogwarts Express. He would have rather of gone home to the Dursley's directly after the funeral rather than sit in the quiet awkwardness alone in a compartment with Ginny. Ron and Hermione were off doing whatever it was that Prefects do.

They sat opposite each other not looking or talking to one another, but staring out the window. It was cool and wet that day, not at all like early summer, and the window of the compartment was fogged over. Neither could really see out the window but they both stared anyway. Harry's attention was drawn to a squeaking sound, Ginny was rubbing doodles on the window. Squiggly lines, stars, and then a heart. After she drew it she stopped for a moment and then rubbed her fingers across it, wiping the doodles away. She leaned her forehead against the cool glass and closed her eyes, never noticing him watching her.

He thought about what he'd said to her a few days before about not being able to be with her anymore. He'd meant it, every word, but he almost wished he'd waited, waited just long enough so he could hold her now, draw in some of her warmth and gain comfort one last time during this horrible train ride. He knew that was entirely selfish and unfair, but his fingers itched to grip her to him and he longed to bury his nose in her hair if only to pretend just for a moment that everything was all right. But they weren't a couple, Harry had put a stop to that as easily as Ginny rubbed that heart off the window.

She hadn't cried or begged him, or asked him to make promises he couldn't keep. He knew she hoped that when this was all over he would return to her and they could pick up where they had left off, but if Harry was completely honest with himself he knew he never thought past defeating Voldemort. It wasn't that he saw himself dying, but he couldn't imagine returning victorious either. He had never really thought about a future. True, he sat with McGonagall in his fifth year and told her about his ambitions to be an Auror, a dark wizard catcher, but there was really only one wizard he was interested in catching.

He didn't notice he'd been staring at Ginny until she looked at him. Their eyes locked for a moment before he looked down into his lap and than again out the window. He heard a small huff of breath from her direction but she didn't say anything.

His mind started pondering Voldermort, and the Horcruxes, and Dumbledore. Dumbledore who always knew what to do, he always had an ace up his sleeve. He started thinking about how he would never talk to the old wizard again until he closed his eyes and shook his head. There was also Malfoy and Snape, that git. He'd known, he had always known. If only he had figured everything out sooner, everything could have been prevented. _No, not now, I can think about all that later…just, not now_. He forced himself to think about something better, something easier. Like Quidditch and how Gryffindor had taken home the cup again this year. How Ginny had looked when he walked into the common room, how he had kissed her for the first time…right there, in front of everyone, even Ron.

"What?"

Harry shook himself, "I'm sorry?"

"You keep staring, what do you want?" Ginny whispered like she was worried about being overheard even though they were the only ones there.

"..I.." Harry replied lamely. Truthfully he hadn't even known he was staring, but of course he was, he had been thinking about kissing her only moments before.

She didn't say anything. She just stared at him waiting for an explanation. He looked into her eyes. They were brown, but if you looked close there were little flecks of gold in them. They sparkled like the gold highlights in her hair.

"What is it?" She said it louder this time and he could tell she had caught him staring again and he could hear the irritation in her voice.

"I'm….I'm sorry I was just thinking." He finished and then looked again toward the window. He knew she had a good idea of what he had been thinking about. No doubt he had had some sort of stupid, simpering, lovesick look on his face. He straightened his shoulders and hardened his expression, determined not to be caught at it again.

They sat in silence for a while before he heard her mutter under her breath. "It's complete bullocks, you know."

Harry turned his head and looked at her quizzically, "What?"

She turned and looked directly at him, "You and your lopsided logic, your misguided heroism, bullocks."

"Ginny, I can't," he started but she cut him off.

"Now don't worry. I'm not going to cry or beg you, or try to talk you out of whatever it is you've got going on inside your head. I'm not some simpering little chit that can't go on without you, but I'm angry and it feels a whole lot better than just hurting. We've been sitting here for an hour, and don't think I'm not hurting just as much as you are after everything that's happened, but rather than talking to each other, or Merlin forbid, comforting each other, you sit there…the stoic hero. Well I've worked myself into a right snit and you get to deal with it Harry Potter!" With each word her voice grew louder.

When he didn't immediately answer her she rolled her eyes and shook her head. She turned and stretched out along the bench, looking up at the underside of the luggage rack. Her hands stacked beneath her head. Maybe if she didn't look at him she could pretend he wasn't there.

Harry knew he was being written off and maybe he should have just left her to it, but he wanted to make her understand. He had to make her understand. He let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding and moved to stand over her. He looked down at her. Her long red hair was lying across the seat, he had an urge to reach out and touch it, to watch it curl around his wrist. Instead he turned and sat on the floor, his back against Ginny's bench, his head right near hers. He drew his knees up and folded his arms on top of them. He looked straight ahead to the bench he had just left. It wouldn't come out right if he looked at her, she was too distracting.

"Ginny, I told you I can't be with you, and you know why, it's for your own good. I know you're hurting and Merlin knows, I wish I could make it better, but if I hold you now it will only make it that much harder to let go again, and that's not fair, not to either of us," he finished and laid his forehead on his arms.

"That's stupid," she said after a few moments, "and what you said at the funeral, that was stupid too."

Harry lifted his head up and looked back at her over his shoulder. She wasn't looking at him, she was still staring up at the luggage rack.

"I know there are things you have to do, and I won't argue that with you, but cut the noble, it's for my own good business, because it's not for my own good, it's for yours," she finished accusingly.

Harry turned around again. This time she was looking at him.

"What?"

"You heard me, and you know that I'm right," she said. "I'm not going to be any safer just because you and I aren't together anymore. Voldemort knows about us, I'm sure Malfoy told him, and it's not like I would have been safe anyway, even if you and I had never been involved. Look who my parents are, look who my brothers are. They're almost all order members, besides we're blood traitors remember. You can pretend to be noble all you want, but you're not doing me any great favors by not seeing me anymore, I'm still as much of a target as ever. I know that you are going to hunt Voldemort, and if I'm just one more thing you have to worry about then fine, but say so and spare me the bloody excuses!"

"You think that I'm not concerned about you safety? You think I see you as a distraction?" he asked incredulously.

She sat up and looked at him, her eyebrows raised and her head tilted to the side, "Don't you?"

Harry turned back around and stood. She was right, about everything. She wouldn't be any safer now that they weren't together. Come to think of it most people probably still thought they were a couple. It's not like he had stood up and announced the official end of their relationship, and when he thought of it, she was a distraction. Harry couldn't concentrate on everything he had to accomplish if he had to worry about her. He'd never find the Horcruxes if they were together. His head would always be full of her. Was she safe? Had he put her in danger? That, compounded with thoughts dictated by another part of his anatomy, he would never get anything done. Ginny was right maybe his reasons weren't so noble, but they were still valid. He nodded to himself, yes, he had made the right decision.

"Ginny, I have a job to do."

She put her hands on her hips, "By pushing me out of your life now, you're just saving yourself some pain. You're doing to me what you try to do to everyone else, push them away. So it's easy for you to push me to the sidelines, but how do you think it is for me knowing that you're right there in the thick of it," her voice broke on a sob, "knowing you might not come back."

Ginny sat down, abruptly. There was no fight left in her anymore. The anger she had felt only minutes before had dissipated into hopelessness. She sighed and looked down at her hands. She felt stupid, she should have known better than to fight with him. He wouldn't change his mind no matter what she said, he was too stubborn, to noble. If he felt he was putting her in jeopardy by being near her then that was the end of it. Her breath hitched on another sob and tears filled her eyes, she dropped her chin to her chest and tried to hide beneath her hair. She promised herself she wouldn't do this. She promised him.

Harry felt like an ass, he hated seeing her there, looking so defeated. He could feel his resolve crumbling

"Ginny, I….," he started, but he stopped, he wanted to find the right words. Harry sighed and dropped his head. He ran his hand through his hair then stopped to let it rest on the back of his neck.

"Why can't you be with me while you're here?" he heard her say in a small voice behind him.

Harry turned to look at her. Her head was down, but he could see the tears flowing freely down her cheeks. He wanted to go to her, instead he stepped away and slid open the door. He stepped into the hall and started walking. He didn't have to go far to find another empty compartment. He walked to the window and leaned his head against the cool glass. He brought his own finger up and drew a lightning bolt, just like the one on his own forehead. He felt horrible for walking out on her, she was probably crying harder than ever. He didn't know how long he stood there, lost in his thoughts. The old witch with the trolley came by. He only shook his head when she asked if he was hungry. Some time later he laid down on one of the benches. He drifted off as he thought about Ginny, and the tears on her cheeks.

Harry awoke to the sound of someone clearing their throat. He opened his eyes to the fuzzy form of Hermione sitting across from him. He sat up and rubbed his face.

"Hi," he started to look around on the bench and floor for his glasses, they must have fallen of while he was sleeping.

"Here," she said handing his glasses to him.

"Thanks," he said slipping them on.

He looked at Hermione as she came into focus and almost wished he hadn't. She was wearing that expression she made when he or Ron had done something exceptionally stupid, and he immediately knew he was about to catch hell. Hermione surprised him by not saying anything. She just sat there and continued to give him that awful look.

"Hermione, what do you want to say?"

She waited a moment then said, "Harry, I don't want to lecture you."

"Then don't," he said, more harshly then he meant to. "I did what I had to do, maybe I shouldn't have walked away, but" he stopped and sighed.

"But?" she prodded.

"I can't have her in danger, I can't put her there," he let out a breath, "I don't know what I'd do if something ever happened to her that I could have prevented."

Hermione leaned forward to rest her elbow on her knees, "You can't very well prevent anything if you stay away from her."

"Hermione you know that if she's with me she'll be a target," Hermione started to interrupt but Harry stopped her, "Even more so than she is now. And even if I could protect her, she's a distraction. I have to find the Horcruxes, and then I have to find Voldemort. I don't want this, but it's for the best."

"Harry, maybe you need some distraction."

Harry looked at her with his eyebrows raised, "I have to do this, and I have to give it all of my focus."

"Dumbledore never said to quit living your life," Hermione said, and almost wished she hadn't when she saw the dark look come into Harry's eyes.

"This is my life," Harry stood and through his hands in the air. "As the prophesy foretold, the one with the power that the Dark Lord knows not. That's me, Harry bloody Potter!"

Hermione took a breath and started very slowly, "Harry, you told us Dumbledore said, that one of the things that set you apart from Voldemort is your ability to love. So many people love you," he started to interrupt her but she stopped him," and it's very noble that you would do anything necessary to protect them. But don't you think that we want to protect you, that some of us would die to protect you."

"Hermione, I can't lose anyone else, especially Ginny."

"Well, people die Harry, things happen, that's life. How would you feel if Ginny died and you had wasted time that you could have spent with her? How would you feel if we did what we set out to do, if we defeated Voldemort, and after it was all said and done and time to settle back into normal life, Ginny had moved on. How would you feel if she found someone that was going to be there for her. There's a war going on Harry, no one wants to be alone. Don't you think, it's easier during hard times, if you have someone to lean on, someone to hold on to?"

Harry let out a breath and moved to sit next to Hermione. He leaned forward on his knees to rest his head in his hands. He pushed his fingers up underneath his glasses to rub his eyes. So many questions came rushing into his head. Some were ones he already thought he'd found answers to. He didn't want to lose Ginny. He didn't want there to be a war. And not for the first time in his life he didn't want to be Harry Potter.

"I don't know what to do, Hermione. I thought I had so many things figured out, but now, I just don't know."

She reached over to rub his back, "You don't have to figure everything out on your own, Harry. We're your friends, let us help you. When are you going to realize that no matter how much you try and no matter how many times you push us away we're not going to leave you alone. We have just as much to gain and lose in this as you do."

Harry turned his head to look back at her, "then what about you?" he asked.

"What?" she said.

"Why do you and Ron do this dance around each other, when you could be together?"

Hermione blushed but knew better than to deny it, "Ron and I, are together Harry, true, we both kind of, avoid, certain feelings, but he's there for me and I'm there for him, just like we're both there for you. Ron and I will make our way, to that, eventually, but what we have is enough for right now."

Harry stopped and thought, he was confused and tired of thinking all together.

Hermione stood up, "Ginny's not stupid, or incapable, don't treat her like she can't think for herself," Hermione put her hand on his head and rubbed his hair. "I'm going back, you should come too."

Harry looked up and nodded, "Yeah, I'll just be a minute." Hermione started to walk away. "Wait!"

She turned around, "What?"

Harry swallowed, "Is Ron angry?"

She smiled, "He was a little, when he first saw Ginny's face, but he was worried about you too."

"What about Ginny?"

Hermione shrugged, "I'm sure she's quite calm now, you know her, she's proud. She didn't cry after Ron and I walked in. She insisted everything was fine, and that it was her own fault for 'pushing' you."

"Right," Harry felt like an ass, "Thanks, Hermione."

She smiled and nodded before she slid the door shut. Harry sat there for a moment and picked at the cuffs of his shirt. _Well, I'm going to have to face them sometime_. He stood and walked out the door.


End file.
